Say BYE FELICIA to your funny, fat friend.

Twelve pounds. I weighed TWELVE POUNDS at birth. I’ve literally been overweight my ENTIRE life. Let me just break this down for you. I was the size of a medium-to-large Thanksgiving turkey. I had boobs in the third grade, and I was the tallest person in my class until high school (which of course, because teenagers can be shitty, meant I was extra fat).  So no, I’ve never been petite. I don’t desire to be petite. HOWEVER, I would love to not make a bee line to the plus size section of whatever store I happen to drag myself into.

Overall, I’m healthy. I have a typical post-grad social life, I go on dates and my career hasn’t been negatively impacted by my weight. But I want better for myself, I want it now and on October 14, I’m getting it, damn it.

I’ve opted to have a laparoscopic vertical sleeve gastrectomy, which is a form of bariatric surgery. The surgeon will make five inch-long incisions, through one of which, he will pull over half of my stomach, once it has been detached and stapled.

“OH OKAY, YOU’RE TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT, I GET IT.”

Nah bitch, pump your brakes.

I have busted my ass in the gym. I have paired said ass busting with prescription medication. I have tried 30-day challenges and 24-day cleanses and seven-day meal plans. I’ve done everything short of taking an electric carving knife to my formerly infant turkey ass. I faced anxiety and mild depression in college, and it came back with a vengeance in my graduate program (that will happen sometimes when your soul is being physically removed from your body). The great thing is I was on some bitchin’ meds that evened me right out (shout out to Paxil!). The bad thing was those meds were causing rapid weight gain with no explanation (fuck you, Paxil!).

So no, I didn’t look in the mirror and think, “Yeah, I’m just going to get half of a major organ removed and see what I can do about this no-thigh-gap situation.” It was not a decision I took lightly, and I want to help break the stigma of “taking the easy way out”. This is for my health and my overall quality of life. This is for the sake of going out with a group of size-nothing friends and not feeling like I’m there to be the funny, fat friend with the pretty face. This is for me.

I don’t want to wait to be the best version of myself. This time next year, I may just be your funny, fit friend.